Written by: Robert Carlock
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is looking around the shop as Phoebe returns from getting some more coffee.]
Rachel: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: Look at that guy by the window, wow!
Phoebe: He’s awfully short and I think he’s talking to himself. And to be completely honest, he’s not that good in bed.
Rachel: Oh, what is wrong with me lately? I mean it’s like every guy I see—I mean look here. (Points behind them) Look at that guy for example, I mean normally that’s not someone I would-would be attracted to, but right now, with the way I’m feeling, all I want to do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack.
Phoebe: Wait a second! This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy, right?
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: This is completely normal, around the fourth month your hormones start going crazy.
Rachel: Really?! So this has happened to you?
Phoebe: Oh absolutely yeah! Oh and keep in mind, now, I was carrying triplets so in, y’know, medical terms I was-I was thrice as randy.
Rachel: Wow! This explains so much! Last weekend, I went from store to store sitting on Santa’s lap.
Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield from a Foot Locker.
Rachel: Ah.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: Well, y’know what? I go see my doctor tomorrow, I’ll ask her about this. Maybe she can give me a pill or something.
Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, that’s what you need a good…pill.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Mona enters.]
Mona: Hey! (To Joey) Hey!
Ross: Hi!
Mona: Hi! Look! I got our pictures developed from Rockefeller Center.
Ross: Oh great! Hey-hey Joey, do you want to check out pictures of me and Mona ice skating?
Joey: Oh uh, ordinarily I would love too, but I am just swamped right now. (Brushes something off of his shirt and looks around, but doesn’t move from his chair.)
Ross: Hey where-where are the pictures that creepy pretzel vendor took of us together?
Mona: Oh yeah, probably at the end. (Flips to the end.) Oh my God! He only took pictures of my breasts!
Joey: I’m missin’ picture time?! (Jumps over to look, Ross glares at him and he retreats.)
Phoebe: (sitting down next to Ross) Y’know she has a face Ross!
Mona: Okay. Okay, here’s a good one of us.
Ross: Wow! That is a good one! Wow, it looks like a, like a holiday card y’know, with the tree in the middle and the skaters and the snow.
Mona: Y’know, every year I say I’m gonna send out holiday cards and I never do it. Do you wanna, do you wanna send this one out together?
Ross: (pause) Together? Like-like to people?
Mona: Yeah, y’know. Happy holidays from Mona and Ross. It’ll be cute, okay?
Ross: Okay. (Not happy about it.)
Mona: Oh, I gotta get to work. So call me later?
Ross: Uh sure, sure.
Mona: Bye guys.
Phoebe: Bye.
(Mona exits.)
Joey: (To Ross) Congratulations! You just got married!
Ross: I know. Can you believe that?
Phoebe: Wait, I’m-I’m sorry. What’s the big deal about a holiday card?
Ross: Married couples send out cards, families send out cards, people who have been dating for a couple of months do not send out cards! What-what is she crazy?!
Joey: Hey-hey-hey, hey that’s your wife you’re talking about!
[Scene: Chandler’s Office, his boss Doug is entering, Monica is there as well.]
Doug: Bing! Ho! And the Bing-ette!
Chandler: Honey, you remember my boss Doug right?
Monica: Yes, hi.
Doug: Hi. So good news, the divorce is final. I signed the papers this A.M.
Chandler: I didn’t know you and Carol were getting divorced, I’m sorry.
Doug: Sorry? Finally chewed my leg out of that bear trap. Hey, congratulations to you guys though!
Monica: No leg-chewing for us sir.
Doug: Oh well, give it time. So the divorce, the marriage, we’ve got a lot to celebrate. How about we all go out to dinner tomorrow night?
Monica: I can’t think of anything we’re doing. (Quietly) Why can’t I think of anything we’re doing?
Doug: Tomorrow night it is then, I should be out of court by six. They keep throwing these sexual harassment cases at me and I keep knocking them out of the park!
Monica: Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow! (Doug exits.) Just so you know, we’re not seeing him tomorrow. (Chandler wonders why.) I-I cannot spend another evening with that man. Do you remember how he behaved at our wedding?
Chandler: No.
Monica: That’s because he wasn’t invited because of the way he behaved at our engagement party.
Chandler: Oh yeah. Boy, urine cuts right through an ice sculpture doesn’t it?
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, there’s a knock on the door and he opens it to Mona.]
Mona: Hi!
Ross: Hey!
Mona: Hey, I went by the photo shop, take a look, here is a mockup of our card. What do you think?
Ross: Huh. Wow, this is great.
Mona: Now, do you think it should say, "Love Ross and Mona?"
Ross: Well, we-we haven’t said that to each other yet, but I guess its okay to say it to other people.
Mona: How many did you want? I’m getting a hundred.
Ross: A hundred?! Well, I-I guess I’ll take a—Mona, uh…I-I’m not sure about the whole uh, card thing.
Mona: Really? Why not?
Ross: Sending out a holiday card, together, I mean I just don’t know if we’re really quite there yet.
Mona: Oh y’know, I didn’t think of it that way. You’re right. You’re right. So, can I ask you a question?
Ross: Yeah.
Mona: Where are we?
Ross: Huh.
Mona: Y’know, like where are we? Where is this relationship going?
Ross: Hmm…
Mona: I mean I love spending time with you, y’know I just—I hope we’re moving forward. I mean, we should probably talk about that. Don’t you think?
(Pause.)
Ross: Let’s do the card!
Mona: What?
Ross: The card! I think we’re there!
Mona: Okay. I—But I think we should still have this conversation.
Ross: Really?! I mean, even with the card?
[Scene: Rachel’s Doctor’s Office, she is waiting for her doctor as a nurse enters.]
Nurse: Hi!
Rachel: Hi!
Nurse: Just so you know, Dr. Long can’t be here today, she was called to the hospital, so Dr. Schiff will be seeing you.
Rachel: Oh, okay. Hey, can I ask you a question? Was it me, or-or was the guy who took my blood sample really cute? Y’know who I’m talking about, bald haircut, hairy fingers… (Stops when she realizes it was her.)
Dr. Schiff: (entering) Hi Rachel? I’m Dr. Schiff. (By the way, he’s an attractive man.)
Rachel: Yes, you are.
Dr. Schiff: So, how’s it going?
Rachel: Oh, really, really good. But enough about me, come on! Where-where are you from? What do you do?
Dr. Schiff: I’m a doctor.
Rachel: Right! Right! I-I actually meant in your spare time, do you cook? Do you ski? Or do you just hang out with your wife or girlfriend?
Dr. Schiff: Uh, I don’t have a wife or girlfriend, but I do like to ski.
Rachel: Oh, I love to ski! How amazing is this?!
Dr. Schiff: So, are you experiencing any discomfort?
Rachel: No. I’m very comfortable.
Dr. Schiff: Any painful gas?
Rachel: No! Shoot, Dr. Schiff what kind of question is that?!
Dr. Schiff: Okay then, would you like to lie down on the table?
Rachel: Well would you like me to lie down on the table?
Dr. Schiff: I’m sorry, is there something going on here?
Rachel: Do you feel it too?
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi.
Phoebe: Oh hey! So, how did your doctor’s appointment go?
Rachel: Well, let’s see. Uh, they gave me cute doctor today and in the middle of the exam I put my pinky in his chin dimple.
Phoebe: Oh my God.
Monica: Why did you do that?
Phoebe: Okay, remember that little problem I was having during my fourth month of pregnancy?
Monica: Oh yeah, the Evander Holyfield phase. Oh man you were so hard up you practically came on to me.
Phoebe: You wish.
Monica: Hey, I could’ve had you if I wanted you.
Phoebe: Oh yeah? Come and get it.
Rachel: Okay, even this is turning me on!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Oh hey! Hey Ross! Hey how’s it, how’s it going with you and Mona? Are you guys still together?
Ross: Oh yeah, yeah we’re moving forward. You’ll be getting our card!
Monica: You and Mona are doing a holiday card together?
Ross: Yeah, we’re not just doing a card! Y’know, she-she also wants to have the conversation about where the relationship is going.
Phoebe: Ugh! Women!
Ross: I know! I know! Why do you guys need to have this conversation?! Huh? I mean no self-respecting man would ask a woman, "So, where is this going?"
Rachel: Uh Ross? You asked me that.
Ross: Hey! You were a closed book! Okay? I’m not a mind reader! Besides, I hate those conversations. I’m horrible at them. Really! Maybe-maybe I need kind of a gesture. Y’know, something that says we’re moving forward without having to talk about it.
Monica: Like asking her to move in with you?
Ross: Smaller than that.
Monica: Making her a mixed tape?
Ross: Uh, bigger than that.
Phoebe: Give her a key to your apartment.
Ross: Whoa-hello! We were closer with the mixed tape.
Monica: All right. Have you said, "I love you?" You could say, I love you.
Ross: Yeah I-I don’t-I don’t think I’m quite there yet, but I could say I looove spending time with you.
Phoebe: No, we hate that.
Monica: That is a slap in the face.
Ross: Forget it. I-I—Y’know what? I’ll just have the conversation. I’ll just say I like things the way they are, and hope for the best. What do you think Rach?
Rachel: I think, if it was a little colder in here I could see your nipples through that sweater.
[Scene: Chandler’s Office, Doug is entering.]
Doug: Bing! We’re all set for tonight, 8 o’clock.
Chandler: Oh uh, as it turns out, we can’t do it. Monica has to work.
Doug: Oh, my ex-wife didn’t work, unless you call turning into her mother work. Fine. Tomorrow night then.
Chandler: Oh uh well tomorrow’s no good for her either.
Doug: Oh? Why not?
Chandler: It’s the semi-finals…of her…botchy ball tournament.
Doug: What’s going on Bing? Does uh, your wife have a problem with me or something?
Chandler: Well now-now you’re just talking crazy.
Doug: So why can’t the three of us go out together?
Chandler: Because uh…we-we…we split up. Monica and I split up. Hold me.
Doug: Good God Bing I…well I can’t say I’m altogether surprised, I saw the way she looked at you, and there was no love there. And the way she looked at me, pure lust.
Chandler: Y’know what would really help me through this tough time is choking something. Can I choke ya?
Doug: Bing my boy, we’re gonna get you over this. Now here’s the plan, grab your coat, we’re going to a strip club.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, Monica would freak. (Doug looks at him.) But to hell with that bitch.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is getting Mona some coffee.]
Ross: Here we go. Mona umm, I think it’s time we-we had a conversation about-about where things are with us.
Mona: Yeah, I-I think I suggested that.
Ross: Aw, we-we are so…(Motions that they’re connected.) So umm, well I-I-I like you and I-I love umm, y’know hanging out with you. And I mean-I’m having a lot of fun. (He pauses and thinks there might be more, but decides there isn’t.)
Mona: Okay.
Ross: I mean, there’s no point in spending time with someone if-if it’s just fun. It’s gotta be, it’s gotta be going somewhere right? So where-where is it going? (Pause) Ah! That’s-that’s the real question. And-and the answer is…is it’s going somewhere…fun. Now I-I know what you’re thinking, fun was fine for you like ten years ago y’know, but you’re-you’re not getting any younger. No I mean—No not you, not you, you—you are getting younger. I mean—you-you look like you’re getting younger by the second—What’s your secret?
Mona: I’m sorry, so umm, so where are we?
Ross: Well, well to sum up, we’re having fun, you look young.
Mona: Okay…
Ross: But that’s not enough. So… So…here’s a key to my apartment. (Hands her his key.)
Mona: Really?!
Ross: Really.
Mona: You don’t think this is too fast.
(Ross groans no.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is telling Rachel and Monica about yet another mistake he’s made with a woman.]
Rachel: You gave her a key to your apartment?!
Ross: Not just a key, I gave her the only key! I am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship.
Phoebe: (entering with some guy) Hey. Ooh Ross! How’d the conversation go?
Ross: Oh great, I live on the street.
Phoebe: Where?! (Ross exits.)
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Hi! Okay, Monica, Rachel, this is my friend Roger.
Roger: Hey everybody.
Monica: Hi Roger.
Phoebe: So umm, I’m gonna get us some drinks. (To Rachel) Would you help me out?
Rachel: Yeah. (They go into the kitchen.)
Phoebe: Umm, he’s here to have sex with you.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: You’re welcome.
Rachel: Phoebe no!
Phoebe: It’s okay, he’s a virgin.
Monica: Rachel umm, I was just talking to this guy and I think he’ll have sex with you.
Phoebe: Yeah, okay let’s leave these two alone.
Rachel: No! I do not care what my hormones are doing, I am not going to just do it with some random guy!
Phoebe: Fine! Then you tell Roger because he was really looking forward to this! (Phoebe exits.)
[Scene: A Strip Club, Doug and Chandler are there.]
Doug: Oh Bing, look at those twin sisters dancing together. Let me buy you a lap dance with those girls. Huh?
Chandler: Oh that’s all right sir, and that’s just one girl.
Doug: Bing—What’s this?! (Grabs his hand.)
Chandler: It’s a hand. It’s a thing you use as a Jack and Coke holder.
Doug: No, it’s a wedding ring. You gotta get rid of it. We’re gonna go to the East River right now and throw it in there!
Chandler: Oh no-no-no!
Doug: Oh yeah-yeah-yeah, y’know I did it and I felt a hell of a lot better and if you whip it just right you might hit a seagull in the head.
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, a locksmith has finished changing the locks on Ross’s door.]
Ross: Okay, and oh I’m gonna need a bunch of extra keys. Apparently I give them away for no reason at all.
Mona: (entering) Hey Ross, what’s going on? You changing the lock?
Ross: No. That guy is.
Mona: I don’t understand. You-you give me a key to your apartment and then you change the lock.
Locksmith: Good luck buddy. (Exits.)
Mona: Umm, I-I thought we were moving forward and now you’re-you’re sending me all these mixed signals. What are you trying to tell me?
Ross: I’m trying to tell you I made you a mix tape.
Mona: What?
Ross: I love you!
Mona: Ohh! (Hugs him.) And I love spending time with you. (Ross isn’t happy.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is eating dinner as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hi honey I’m home.
Monica: From the tequila factory?
Chandler: It was awful. To get out of going to dinner with Doug I told him that you and I split up. So then he took me to all these strip clubs and sleazy bars, and then when I wouldn’t give him my wedding ring, he threw a soda can at a bird!
Monica: Come here. I can breath through my mouth.
Chandler: Y’know what the worse part was? I got to see what my life would be like without you. It was like It’s a Wonderful Life with lap dances. Please promise that you will never leave me, that we will grow old together, and be with each other for the rest of our lives.
Monica: I promise. Hey, speaking of together, how about we send out a holiday card this year?
Chandler: Ooh, I don’t know if we’re there yet.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is on the phone.]
Rachel: Yes. Hi, I’d like to order a pizza. Okay, can I ask you a question? Is-is the cute blond guy delivering tonight? Very Ambercrombie & Fitch. (Joey enters.) I’ll call you back.
Joey: Who was that?
Rachel: It’s just the pizza place.
Joey: You hung up on the pizza place? I don’t hang up on your friends.
Rachel: I’m sorry honey, I’m just having a, having a rough day.
Joey: Oh, what’s wrong?
Rachel: Oh you really, you really just don’t want to hear about it.
Joey: Then why did I ask?
Rachel: Okay, it’s just—and this is really embarrassing—but lately with this whole pregnancy thing I’m just finding myself…how do I put this umm, erotically charged.
Joey: Is that college talk for horny?
Rachel: Yeah. So y’know, I have all of these feelings and I don’t know what to do about them, because I can’t date like a normal person, which is fine because I don’t need a relationship, I mean all I really want is one great night. Just sex, y’know? No strings attached, no relationship, just with someone that I feel comfortable with and who knows what he’s doing. For just one great night, I mean is that really so…hard…to find. (Looks at Joey.) So how was your day?
Joey: Good, I uh, I saw a pretty big pigeon.
Rachel: Well, I gotta get up early and it’s almost seven o’clock.
Joey: Yeah, I gotta, I gotta go to my room too.
Rachel: Okay, good night!
Joey: Good night. (They both enter their rooms.)
(Pause.)
Joey: (entering) I can’t do it!
Rachel: (entering) I didn’t ask you to do it!
Joey: You’re Rachel!
Rachel: You’re Joey!
Joey: You’re my friend!
Rachel: Right back at ya!
Joey: But plus, it would be wrong and weird and-and-and bad.
Rachel: And so bad. I don’t even know what you’re talking about because I didn’t ask you to do anything!
Joey: I know!
(Pause.)
Joey: Do you wanna do it?
Rachel: No!
Joey: All right, me neither! I was just testing you!
Rachel: That’s the end of this conversation!
Joey: This conversation never happened!
Rachel: Never happened! Good night!
Joey: Good night!
(They both go into their rooms and after a little while Rachel pokes her head into the living room.)
Joey: Get back in there! (Rachel re-enters her room and closes the door.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is there as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hi. Listen, I’m sorry about that whole thing with Roger. It really wasn’t right, and I, and I want to make it up to you, so umm, I brought you something that I think you’ll really enjoy. (Goes into the hallway and returns carrying the Evander Holyfield cutout.) Now, this is just a loan. Okay? I’m gonna, I’m gonna want him back. So… (Looks at him longingly) I’m gonna go now. (Exits.) (Pause) (Entering) I’m sorry, I thought I could do it and I can’t! (She grabs the cutout and exits for good.)
End