Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan and Scott Silveri
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch and Ross is sitting on the chair, and they’re all talking.]
Rachel: Hey! Out of all of us, who do you think is gonna get married next?
Joey: Probably Monica and Chandler.
(A woman walks up to Gunther in the background.)
Woman: (to Gunther) Hi. Could I have a pack of Newport Lights, please?
Gunther: Oh umm, uh we don’t sell cigarettes, but they have them at the newsstand across the street. (Points.)
Woman: That’d be great, thanks. (Gunther goes and gets them.)
Rachel: (to the gang) Oh my God, Melissa Warburton. I don’t think I have the energy for this.
Melissa: (Gasps when she notices Rachel) Oh my God! Ray-ray Green?! (Screams)
Rachel: (screaming) Melissa!
Melissa: You have been M.I.A for the past seven sorority newsletters, what’s up with you?!
Rachel: Wh—(Turns and looks at the gang who’s staring)—Why don’t I tell you over here? (She walks Melissa away from the gang.)
Melissa: So last I heard you were gonna get married. (Grabs Rachel’s hand and notices that she doesn’t have a ring on it.) (Sadly) Oh poor Ray-ray.
Rachel: Oh no-no, no! It’s good! It’s all good! I-I actually work at Ralph Lauren!
Melissa: Shut up!
Rachel: I will not! I’m the divisional head of men’s sportswear!
Melissa: Oh shut up more! Now, are you friends with Ralph?
Rachel: Oh please…
Melissa: (excitedly) Are you?!
Rachel: No.
Melissa: Listen, we-we have to have dinner. What-what are you doing tomorrow night?
Rachel: Oh tomorrow, oh I don’t know. Um…
Melissa: You do now. You’re having dinner with me.
Rachel: Shut up.
Melissa: I-I’ve got to go. This has been so great Ray-ray! (Gunther returns with her cigarettes.) Oh, there you are. (Takes them from Gunther.) (To Rachel) Umm, so listen, just call me. Here’s my card. (Hands the card over.)
Rachel: Oh, wow thanks! (Reading the card) Oh you’re in real estate!
Melissa: Oh no, that’s-that’s an old card. Umm, I wanted to get out of that and-and do something where I can really help people and-and make a difference.
Rachel: Wow! What do you do now?
Melissa: (quietly) I’m a party planner. I’ll see you tomorrow. (Exits.)
Rachel: Okay! (Joins the rest of the gang.)
Joey: Hey guys! Look who’s back! It’s Ray-ray!
Rachel: Shut up that was my friend Melissa from college.
Ross: She seems really, really fun!
Rachel: She’s actually very sweet and we used to be very close.
Monica: Wait a minute, she isn’t… She’s not the one who you…
Joey: (excitedly) Who you what? Who you what?!
Rachel: (To Monica) Yes.
Monica: Wow!
Joey: (excitedly) Wow? Wow what?! Wow what?! Who you—what?!!
Rachel: It’s not a big deal!
Monica: (To Joey) They were lovers.
Ross: What?!
Joey: What?!
Rachel: No we weren’t! It was nothing! It was one night, senior year we went to a party, had a lot of sangria and y’know, ended up…kissing for a bit.
Ross: So that’s two of my wives.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is working on the seating chart while Chandler looks on and Rachel reads.]
Monica: (telling Chandler the seating arrangement) Okay so this is where the band is. (Points.) And this is where the bar is. (Points) And all these pins have people’s names on them. (She has pins to show the seating at each of the tables.) And Rach, here you are. (Points to Rachel’s place.)
Rachel: Oh wow. Why don’t we just take me (Grabs her pin) and put me with a Manhattan in my hand, talking to the cute bartender. (Puts her pin at the bar and laughs. Monica just glares at her.) These pins aren’t for playing are they?
Monica: (To Chandler) Okay, the red ones are my guests and the blue ones are yours.
Chandler: This is so sad. I mean, I only have like ten pins.
Monica: Chandler, relax it’s not a contest. (To Rachel) Certainly not a close one.
Joey: (entering) Hello!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Hey Rach. (Stares at her.)
Rachel: Stop picturing it!!
Monica: Okay, I think that’s it. The seating chart is done. This is our wedding. They all look like they’re having fun don’t they?
Joey: Hey, so where are my parents gonna be?
Monica: Oh! (Gets up) Let’s see, well…if this is the wedding hall then umm (Walks away) you’re parents will be at home in Queens.
Joey: What they’re not invited?! Oh no, that’s terrible! They’re gonna be crushed!
Monica: Why would they think they’re invited?
Joey: (looking around) You got me. I don’t…
Monica: Joey!
Joey: Well, I’m sorry. I thought parents were coming! Y’know? Your parents are comin’! Chandler’s parents are comin’! Ross’s parents are comin’!
Monica: Ross’s parents are my parents!
Joey: Well-well—see? Parents are comin’!
Chandler: Y’know I think we should invite them.
Monica: Oh please, you just want more blue pins.
Chandler: Well this is just sad!
Monica: All right, all right. Maybe I can fit them in if I just do some rearranging. But uh, Rachel may actually have to sit at the bar!
Rachel: That is not a problem.
Joey: (leaning down to her) Maybe you’ll order a little sangria?
Rachel: Oh, get out of here! (Jumps back and walks away.)
[Scene: Ralph Lauren, Rachel is showing Chandler the selection of tuxedos.]
Rachel: (motioning to a rack) So now, these are all the tuxedos that we make and if there’s anything that you like, we can make you a deal. Anything at all. (Grabs a few) But these are the three that Monica pre-approved.
Chandler: Well, thanks a lot for hookin’ me up Rach. I want you to know that I want you to attend our wedding as my guest.
Rachel: I’m Monica’s maid of honor. Okay? Don’t try to blue pin me!
Chandler: (sees another rack) Well, what’s the deal with these? These-these look nice.
Rachel: Oh they are nice. We-we custom-make tuxedos for celebrities and then when they’re done with them they just send ‘em back.
Chandler: You mean like for award shows?
Rachel: Some of them.
Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people yelling, "You are you wearing?! You look fabulous!"
Rachel: Honey, might I suggest watching a little more ESPN and a little less E!?
Chandler: Okay, who wore those? (Points to the tuxedos.)
Rachel: Umm, well let’s see uh, this one is Tom Brokaw.
Chandler: Not bad.
Rachel: (reading a tag) This one is uh Paul O’Neil.
Chandler: Who’s that?
Rachel: He plays for the Yankees. Seriously, ESPN! Just once and a while, have it on in the background. (Chandler nods and Rachel grabs another tux) Ooh, this one was Pierce Brosnan!
Chandler: Pierce Brosnan?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: 007?! This is James Bond’s tux?!
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: Oh, I have to get married in James Bond’s tux!
Rachel: It’s a pretty cool tux.
Chandler: Oh, it’s not just that, I would be England’s most powerful weapon. Jet setting heartbreaker on her majesty’s secret service. A man who fears no one; with a license to kill. (Worried.) Would Monica let me wear this?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are moving chess pieces around on the board and hitting the timer at random.]
Joey: We should really learn how to play the real way. (Moves another piece.)
Phoebe: I like our way. Oh! (Grabs a piece and jumps a bunch of Joey’s like in Checkers.) Chess!
Joey: Nice move.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: So Joey I just hooked Ross and Chandler up with some tuxedos for the wedding, do you need one?
Joey: No, I’m performing the ceremony. I’m not wearing a tux.
Rachel: Well, what are you going to wear?
Joey: Multi-colored robes! Ooh, and maybe a hat.
Rachel: Huh. Does Monica know about this?
Joey: I don’t think so.
Rachel: Can I please be there when you tell her? (Joey nods yes.)
Phoebe: Hey oh, Rach wait! Do you want to go to a movie tonight?
Rachel: Oh, y’know what? I can’t. I have to have dinner with that Melissa girl.
Joey: (excitedly) Can I come?! I won’t even talk! You’ll just hear the noise from my video camera.
Phoebe: What is this? What’s going on?
Joey: Oh good! Can I tell her?! Can I tell her?!
Rachel: Well, do you want to hear what actually happened or Joey’s lewd version?
Phoebe: Joey’s!
Joey: Okay…
Rachel: Hey, come on! I had this friend from college and I made the stupid mistake of telling Joey that one time…she and I y’know…kissed a little bit.
Phoebe: (laughs) Yeah, I’m sure that happened.
Rachel: It-it did!
Phoebe: Sure!
Joey: Hey. (Laughs then seriously) It happened!
Rachel: Yeah, it was senior year in college. It was after the Sigma Chi luau and Melissa and I got very drunk! And we ended up kissing! For several minutes!
Phoebe: (To Joey) Which means she had a couple spritzers and a quick peck on the cheek.
Joey: Why are you taking this away from me?
Rachel: Yeah, why is it so hard for you to believe?!
Phoebe: Okay! I just—I didn’t know that you are a lesbian. (Joey smiles and nods lewdly.)
Rachel: I’m not saying that I’m a lesbian! I’m just saying that this happened!
Phoebe: Okay, it just seems pretty wild and you’re so—y’know so…vanilla.
Rachel: (shocked) Vanilla?!
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: I’m not vanilla! I’ve done lots of crazy things! I mean I got-I got drunk and married in Vegas!
Phoebe: To Ross.
Rachel: All right, y’know what? If you don’t want to believe me about this, why don’t you just come with me to dinner tonight and she will tell you.
Phoebe: Okay! All right! Yeah! ‘Cause I just can’t picture it.
Joey: Oh-ho, you should get inside my head.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is on the couch reading as Ross enters carrying a garment bag.]
Ross: Hey! Guess what I got for your wedding! (Holding up his garment bag.)
Chandler: A freakish thin date with a hanger for her head?
Ross: No. Rachel hooked me up with a tux! But not just any tux, Batman’s tux!
Chandler: What?
Ross: That’s right! Made expressly for Val Kilmer and worn by him in the hit film…that Batman film he was in.
Chandler: You can’t wear that! I’m wearing the famous tux! James Bond’s tux!
Ross: So?
Chandler: So—If you wear that you’ll make mine less special.
Ross: Well, you need something to make this day special? Hello! You-you-you have the most special thing of all! You are marrying the woman you love.
(Chandler mimics him.)
Chandler: Please, don’t take away my cool thing. Please?! Pretty please?!
Ross: Pretty please? Not very uh, 007.
Chandler: Look, it’s my wedding day okay? If you were getting married I would never do anything to upset you.
Ross: When I got married you slept with my sister.
Chandler: That was pretty 007.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still working on the seating chart as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Hey. Oh good-good you’re here! All right, I figured it out. I’m gonna take two tables of eight, I’m gonna add your parents, and I’m gonna turn them into three tables of six. Okay? And I called the caterer; I added two extra meals, we are good to go!
Joey: Yeah, they’re not coming.
Monica: (looking at him) What?!
Joey: Somehow they got the idea that you only invited them because of me. They…feel a little unwanted.
Monica: Oh that’s too bad. It’s true, but too bad.
Joey: Look Mon, if you could just call my mom…
Monica: Oh Joey!
Joey: Come on! Look just-just tell—let her know that you really want them to be there. Let’s not forget, this is a woman that has sent you many lasagnas over the years.
Monica: No she hasn’t.
Joey: Is it her fault that some of them didn’t make it to you?
Monica: Well, what am I going to say?
Joey: I don’t know. Just uh, just tell ‘em it was a mix-up with the invitations, or—No-no-no! Blame it on the post office. They hate the post office. And the Irish! But I don’t think you can blame it on them so… (He dials the phone and hands it to Monica.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yeah, hi! Mrs. Tribbiani? (Listens) Hi, this is Monica Geller. (Listens) Yeah I’m just calling to say that Chandler and I uh, really hope you can make it to the wedding. Yeah, apparently a bunch of invitations that we sent weren’t delivered. Umm, I guess there was some screw up at the damn post office! (Joey nods his approval.) (Listens) T-Tell me about it! (Listens) Yeah, yeah, the US Post Office? No, more like US lost office! (Listens) What are they Irish?! (Joey gives her a thumbs up.)
[Scene: A restaurant, Melissa, Rachel, and Phoebe are talking.]
Melissa: …anyway, his name is Allan and we’ve been going out for three years. He was my first client when I became a party planner. He was planning a party for his girlfriend at the time. Oh well. (Rachel and Phoebe politely laugh) And he was Theta Beta Pi at Syracuse.
Rachel: Oh. Oh, that’s great!
Melissa: Hmm Phoebe, were you ever in a sorority?
Phoebe: Of course! Yeah, I was uh, umm Thigh Mega Tampon.
Melissa: What one?
Phoebe: Yeah! Y’know, we were really huge too, but then they had to shut us down when Regina Philange died of alcohol poisoning.
Melissa: Oh, isn’t a shame when one girl ruins it for the whole bunch? (Phoebe agrees by grunting.)
Rachel: (changing the subject) Anyway, speaking of drinking too much. I was uh, tellin’ Phoebe about that one crazy night after the Sigma Chi luau where you and I uh, we made out.
Melissa: (shocked) What?
Rachel: Remember?! We—come on both had the sarongs on, and we had the-the coconut bikini tops…
Melissa: Yeah?
Rachel: …we went back the house and we got really silly and we…we made out.
Melissa: Oh wow, Ray-ray I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Phoebe: Really?!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is on the couch as Chandler disgustedly enters.]
Chandler: Ross is Batman!
Monica: Well, he did manage to keep his identity secret for a long time.
Chandler: Rachel got Ross the tuxedo that Val Kilmer wore in Batman. Okay Batman is so much cooler than James Bond!
Monica: What are you talking about?! 007 has all those gadgets!
Chandler: Batman has a utility belt!
Monica: 007 has a fancy car!
Chandler: Batman has the Batmobile!
Monica: 007 gets all the ladies.
Chandler: Batman has Robin! (Pause) We get ESPN right?
Monica: How about you go put on your 007 tuxedo and I’ll make you a nice martini.
Chandler: Actually, I don’t like martinis.
Monica: How about a Youhoo with a funny straw?
Chandler: Ooh, yum! (Runs into the bedroom.)
Joey: (entering) Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Joey: Listen, I know the invitation says 6:00, but does that mean that you want people to get there at six, or the show is gonna start right at six?
Monica: The show?!
Joey: Right. Right. The wedding, gotcha. But I mean, it’s gonna start a little late right? I mean, weddings start late. Right?
Monica: Have you ever been to one of my weddings?
Joey: Ah. Yeah. Well look, the thing is it’s the same day as my niece’s christening and I really want my parents to be there in time to see me. ‘Cause my part’s just in the beginning I’m not even in the rest of the show—Wedding!
Monica: The wedding starts at six.
Joey: Okay. Okay, I totally hear ya. Oo how about this? I vamp a little ‘til they get there?
Monica: You’ll vamp?!
Joey: Yeah! Yeah y’know, like warm up the crowd. Ask ‘em where they’re from. ‘Cause in Joey Tribbiani you get a minister and you get an entertainer. I’m a minis-tainer! (Rapping) There is no one better! There is no one greater!
[Scene: The restaurant, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: How can you not remember us kissing?!
Melissa: I don’t know. I don’t remember a lot of things that never happened.
Rachel: Wh… Come on! Remember? We were on the sleeping porch! We couldn’t stop giggling? And our coconuts kept knockin’ together?
Phoebe: Oh, somewhere Joey’s head is exploding.
Rachel: Yeah—but come on—Listen, I’m sorry I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I told Phoebe that it happened and she doesn’t believe me.
Melissa: I’m sorry Ray-ray. I mean if I thought it happened I would say it. Maybe I passed out and you did stuff to me while I was sleeping.
Rachel: No!!
Phoebe: Rachel, it’s okay. You don’t have to do this. I believe you. All right? Okay, if-if you say that you kissed Melissa, then you kissed Melissa.
Rachel: Thank you Phoebe.
Melissa: She didn’t.
Phoebe: I know.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are working on the seating chart as Ross enters carrying his tux around.]
Ross: Hey!
Monica: You just carry that around?
Ross: Yes. I find it to be something of a conversation piece.
Monica: Between you and…
Ross: Gunther. (To Chandler) Hey-hey! Why don’t we put them on? Y’know get a picture of Batman and James Bond together.
Chandler: I would but mine doesn’t fit. The pants are a little tight.
Monica: A little tight? I could see double-oh and seven in those pants.
Ross: Well that stinks. I was looking forward to us wearing our celebrity tuxes together.
Chandler: Well, does that mean that you’re not going to wearing yours?
Ross: What are you kidding? It’s Batman’s tux!!
Chandler: (standing up) Let me try it on!
Ross: Okay, but just the jacket. Double-oh and seven are not gettin’ in there.
Chandler: (trying on the jacket) Okay. Holy double-vented comfort Batman! (Finds something in the pocket) What’s this?
Ross: What?
Chandler: An invitation for the At First Sight premiere? Oh my God! Val Kilmer didn’t wear this in Batman! He wore it to the premiere of some tooty-fruity love story where he played a blind guy!
Ross: Let me see that! (Grabs the invitation and reads it.) Oh man!
Chandler: The only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell. (Hands him the jacket and walks away.)
Joey: (entering) Hey! Uh, Monica? Chandler? Can I talk to you guys for a second?
Monica: All right that’s it, I give up! Whatever you want you can have it! You wanna sing a song? You wanna do a dance? You want your mom stand at the Alter and scream racial slurs? I don’t care!
Joey: No! No, I-I just wanna thank you guys for what you did for my parents, that was really sweet. They’re so happy they get to be a part of your special day.
Monica: (defeated) Oh.
Chandler: Well, you’re welcome. And tell them we’re really glad they’re coming.
Joey: Okay. I will. Ohh! Check out what they got me to wear for the ceremony! (Runs to his apartment and returns wearing a rather silly hat.) Huh? I wear it like this when I marry you guys, and then this (He tilts it to the side of his head) is for party time.
[Scene: Outside the restaurant, Melissa, Phoebe, and Rachel are emerging.]
Rachel: It happened! I am telling you it happened!
Melissa: Okay. (To Phoebe) Well, it was great meeting you. And uh Rachel, I-I don’t think I’ll be calling you (hails a cab) because umm, y’know you’ve gotten weird. (The cab pulls up.) Take care you guys.
(She’s about to get in when…)
Rachel: What?! Wait a minute! No wait a minute! (She does so.) Okay? Look, that night was the one wild thing I have ever done in my entire life, and I’m not gonna let you take that away from me! Okay, so if you don’t remember that, maybe you will remember this! (She grabs Melissa and kisses her on the lips.)
Melissa: My God! You love me!
Rachel: (shocked) What?
Melissa: Of course I remember our kiss. I think about it all the time. I can still hear the coconuts knockin’ together I… (Phoebe is shocked.) I just didn’t want to tell you ‘cause I didn’t think that you’d return my love, and now that you have… (Leans in to kiss Rachel.)
Rachel: (moving away) Whoa! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Melissa: Aww, look who’s being suddenly shy. You can’t tell me you don’t feel what I feel. Nobody can kiss that good and not mean it. (Goes in again.)
Rachel: (moves away again) I-I-I-I’m just…I’m just a good kisser!
Melissa: (suddenly frightened) Shut up!
Rachel: I’m sorry!
Melissa: (laughs) Oh you don’t have to be (Laughs again) sorry. I’m…I’m obviously kidding. I’m not in love with you. (To Phoebe) I’m not in love with her. I don’t hear coconuts banging together. Yeah, I don’t…picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend. Anyway, I gotta go. Eh…kiss good-bye? (Rachel stares at her stunned.) No? Okay. (Hurries into the cab and drives off.)
Rachel: Wow! I mean I had no idea that that was gonna…
(Suddenly, Phoebe leans in and kisses her on the lips!)
Rachel: What the hell was that?!
Phoebe: I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
Rachel: And?
Phoebe: I’ve had better.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Ralph Lauren, Rachel is hooking Chandler up with another tuxedo.]
Chandler: (yelling from the changing room) All right! I found one that fits!
Rachel: Well y’know what they say, the 23rd time’s the charm. (Chandler enters.) Aww, look at you all handsome!
Chandler: Whose is it?
Rachel: Oh does it matter?! All that matters is that you look so handsome.
Chandler: Whose is it?
Rachel: I don’t want to say.
Chandler: Oh, come on! I don’t care! Come on! Whose is it?
Rachel: Diane Keeton.
End